He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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