So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
