A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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