Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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