did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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