Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
