you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
