Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
