I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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