Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
