Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
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