I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
