You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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