Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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