Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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