totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
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Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
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My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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