I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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