He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We left an ass print on the piano.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
