so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
