who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize