the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
