my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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