Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
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I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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