I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
