i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
