Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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