It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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