Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
