redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
