Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
