between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
