I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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