I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
