2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
