I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
