if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I feel great
I just peed on a car
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize