I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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