He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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