Jerry, you need to find god
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
