What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
