Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
