I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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