I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
