everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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