Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
