Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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