I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i will never coherently bang her
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.