Texts From Last Night

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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.

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  (847): Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called. http://tfl.nu/lgas
  Replies (21) Good night (3318) Bad night (907)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

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  (734): What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?" http://tfl.nu/tcpf
  Replies (26) Good night (3357) Bad night (1318)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.

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  (608): Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college. http://tfl.nu/sy1r
  Replies (19) Good night (4238) Bad night (1247)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood

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  (440): Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood http://tfl.nu/t6a5
  Replies (13) Good night (1138) Bad night (3850)
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve

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  (386): I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve http://tfl.nu/p2o3
  Replies (9) Good night (2773) Bad night (837)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

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  (401): i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems http://tfl.nu/61dr
  Replies (13) Good night (1238) Bad night (3023)
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.

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  (709): The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave. http://tfl.nu/fq86
  Replies (2) Good night (1179) Bad night (805)
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.

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  (985): Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me. http://tfl.nu/35pb
  Replies (6) Good night (1578) Bad night (674)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.

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  (309): My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage. http://tfl.nu/8smk
  Replies (3) Good night (1571) Bad night (418)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.

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  (204): I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad. http://tfl.nu/nxn2
  Replies (5) Good night (984) Bad night (400)
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.

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  (731): you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful. http://tfl.nu/8o0g
  Replies (5) Good night (960) Bad night (466)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina

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  (817): Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina http://tfl.nu/3njj
  Replies (5) Good night (408) Bad night (734)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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  (202): Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want. http://tfl.nu/8zxe
  Replies (11) Good night (1722) Bad night (423)
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  (607): View more from New York

  It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.

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  (607): It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work. http://tfl.nu/ndnm
  Replies (5) Good night (778) Bad night (384)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.

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  (614): I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting. http://tfl.nu/welf
  Replies (8) Good night (763) Bad night (393)

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