am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"