Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.