I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic