wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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