3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
