Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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