girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
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It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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