You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
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im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
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I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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