I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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