Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
