If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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